Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Cape

Being superwoman is a hard job. Mind if I take the cape off for a little while? Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything dumb. I’m just going to act how I really feel for a little while, absolutely miserable. My response to what seems like endless questions of “how are you feeling today?” will be the honest truth. Instead of “pretty good or just fine” it will be “I feel like sh*t, I only got three good hours of sleep last night and I hurt so bad right now I want to die!” It’s the truth.

When a person gets sick, it’s like there’s some sort of unwritten rule that they must be brave and strong. They can’t show their fear, cower in a corner, cry, scream, and yell. Or else some see them as weak. It’s frustrating. That’s where the cape comes in. Acting like everything is okay when it’s not is no easy task. I feel like superwoman most days. Keeping a cape over me to hide the truth.

But there are times (like right now), where I have set aside the cape. I will tell it like it is. I’m not feeling brave or strong. I am feeling what every other person with lupus in the world feels most days: pain and fear. Lots of it. Dare I even ask “why me?” I wouldn’t even give this to my worst enemies if I had any! This sucks, I hate it, and I want out of this cage. Let me be free once more. I want to feel invincible again. Party until two in the morning and not pay for it for the next week. Go running and not spend the rest of the evening curled up in pain. To attend a full day of school again and play piano like I used to be able to. I hate taking 15 different pills a day to somewhat “control” my lupus. Most of all, I want to feel healthy again. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Now with this being said, please realize this is not for sympathy or for people to feel bad for me. I don’t want that. This is the truth and nothing more. Sometimes it is okay to set the cape aside and just be human. The truth can be painful but it needs to be heard. It is not a weakness to be scared. Remember, it is okay to be yourself. Do not loose yourself in the cape.

It is time for me to slip my cape on again. I have said the truth. Please don’t be afraid to do the same.

3 comments:

  1. good for you -- I can say, now that it's 11 years down the road for me, that it does get easier. just don't let it lull you into a false sense that it's all ok because it will remind you, when you least expect or want it to.....

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  2. My mum had lupus :O And they think i might have it.. I dont know i just need some advide some hope :(

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear that Rupi. Wishing you the best of luck through the diagnosis process. It's hard to not know what is going on. Sending you lots of strength, spoons and support. Hang in there!

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