Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Pain

It’s an ugly four-letter word. Emotional pain can torture the mind, while physical pain can torture the body. Both are equally as bad. It hurts to have lupus. To not have answers, to not be able to know when the next complication is going to come and to not have others understand. My body feels like it has been hit by a bus. Everyday I am achy, my joints scream and “ouch” doesn’t even begin to cover it. Pain is my constant companion.

People do not always believe a person is in pain if they do not look like they are in pain. By the time I look like I’m in pain, I’m in a lot of pain. Others think the pain a person experiences with lupus is fake. I can honestly tell you, it is real pain. To the non-believers, stick out your foot please. So I can come and stomp on it really hard. Then you’ll be in pain and I’ll say “Gee, I can’t feel it so therefore it’s not real.” I will then proceed to laugh and walk away.

I wish I could scream and cry about the pain. But screaming and crying wouldn’t help anything. It wouldn’t make the pain go away. In some ways it would just make things worse. Not only would I be in pain but I would also be drawing attention to myself. Which I do not want to do.

Emotionally, having lupus is extremely painful. It’s like having an anvil over my head every single day. Hanging, in gleaming black it haunts me. No matter how hard I try to forget it, it will not go away. As soon as I think I have it in the far corner of my mind, lupus comes and slams me physically. Which brings me back to square one mentally.

Pain has to be one of the worst four letter words ever…

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