Tuesday, August 2, 2011

It’s Stressful

Illness is stressful, no matter what kind or type of illness it is. Lupus, just like any other life altering illness can take a toil on one’s stress coping skills. It sure has with me. Lately I have only been about 90% of my normal laid back self. There is an inner part of me that is in a great amount of tumultuous illness stress. I don’t quite know how to explain what chronic illness stress is like but I will try. You know when you get a cold and you feel like total crap but you still have a thousand things to do? Well imagine that cold lasting your entire life and the stress of having all those things to do while being under the weather just pile up. It’s really the only way I have of describing the stress I feel right now. Plus I am using about as many tissues as one would during a cold as well. Not a very pretty sight.

College is fast approaching and I’m excited but also stressing out about it. Some days my foggy head just does not want to function at all. I can’t just take a day off from higher level academics on the account of having low lying clouds in my cranium. Tests, books and home work will all need to be done regardless. My biggest stressor about college is I won’t be able to perform up to the standards given my situation. It really stresses me out knowing I will have periods of me being very sick and having no control over it. Even with working with the disability program at college, there’s only so much they can do. I don’t want to struggle through college because Lupus is beating me down constantly (or worse fail at college.)

Sometimes just the sheer fact that it will never go away and I will never feel well is daunting to me. Every single day of my life will be a challenge not because I choose to make it one, but because Lupus has done so for me. Going into the doctors is quite monotonous now, generally I hear the same thing “there is nothing more we can do” or “we’re not entirely sure what is going on here, we’ll just keep observing.” I’m down right tired of being a voodoo doll and a side show freak to doctors. Having specialist after specialist come in, observe and say “we want you in our textbook! This is so cool!” I don’t think it’s cool, I think it sucks. From day to day I don’t know how I will be doing, very stressful. Stressing about stressful things from Lupus which is stressful leads to flares which are also stressful. Definitely a very vicious cycle.

At night I am struggling to sleep because of this pent up stress (I should be sleeping right now.) I worry about my future. Spoons are wasted with every little bit of stress I have. Not even my parents or closest friends can fully understand what I am going through. This makes it even harder for me to feel at ease. I’m not saying they don’t try but no matter how hard they try they will never have the picture fully framed. This whole chronic illness mess just makes me want to scream! Seriously, I feel like I am tied to a wall. No matter how hard I struggle I just cannot get free. Lupus is just frustrating and stressful. End of story.