Thursday, June 28, 2012

Levels of Stupidity

I had one of those glorious good days today, up until about eleven this evening. As I lay here typing this post on my iPad, waiting for the pain medications to kick in and reflecting upon my stupidity. I have few regrets about my activities and actions but I allowed myself in the midst of feeling good to ignore the big bad wolf. This is one of those things about lupus that will eternally bother me. I can't even do everything I have the energy for on a good day and not pay the price for over doing it later on.

This morning when I rose I actually felt quite human. Granted a bit stiff and in need of my morning bowl of oatmeal but I was good. I could have stopped what I am experiencing now before it even had a chance to start by planning my day differently. When I feel good like I did, I tend to forget key lupus things. Like say, not go out in the sun at noon. Even worse: without hat or sunscreen. Prime example of key number one, remember the details. Total honesty, I was setting myself up for failure. After going on three years of having lupus, I should really know better than to go enjoy the first sunny day in WA history. Considering the rarity of having the sun show around here, I don't even remember where my sunscreen is. Stupidity level: approaching bad.

Oh but it gets better!

With feeling like a human today I also didn't pace myself. The second key to survival with lupus is to pace and space out the day. Guilty as charged, I darted from one thing to the next and did not take a breather in between. Having little 15 minute breaks (or longer) of just sitting and doing next to nothing/resting really helps to prolong my productivity and helps me to space things out so I do not over do it. Having the energy to not need these breaks does not mean I should not take them because I will otherwise do too much. Routines help me to take breaks by habit, but I ignored my normal routine today. Stupidity level: almost idiotic.

But wait, I'm not done yet!

As the evening approached I began to feel what I had done to myself. So instead of just taking my heavy drugs then and going to bed... I ignored it. Survival key number three: keep ahead of the pain. Damage control one might say, I even failed at that. When I am up moving and doing I have gotten pretty good at just keeping my mind super busy to help block the pain. Alas, that is exactly what I did. It is like hitting the "snooze" button over and over again on an alarm clock... Delaying the impending doom of having to get out of bed. Now as a result I am in so much pain I cannot sleep. Having energy is such a blessing and a curse at the same time. I just don't know what to do with it. Playing "catch up" is resulting in higher doses of drugs just to get things down to tolerable, where as if I were a good little proactive girl I would have simply swallowed the pills earlier. Stupidity level: rock bottom.

My life today with lupus was an epic failure on all fronts. Proactivity, self discipline and common sense all went out the window. I can't always be good or perfect and this just goes to show how bad I can be to myself when I feel good. Now where is my frying pan? I really need it... Many spoons!

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