Thursday, July 26, 2012

Tolerance... Again.

I have noticed for the past couple weeks a return of "the bus," a feeling best described as an achy/pain/hurts to lay still/hurts to move/jabbing joint pain/fucking miserable pain.  Essentially just imagine being struck by a bus.  I am accustomed to a certain level of pain around the clock.  There is the automatic coping and adjusting setting in me for an amount of pain I am accustomed to.  Lately that mechanism has been really taxed.   

Days have been okay for me to some extent.  I am taking six Tylenol 650mg per day on top of 200mgs of Celebrex.  I called my rhuem and yes, this is okay to do.  However, this is not something that can be kept up long term.  Something about say eh, uh... liver toxicity.  At this point I am at a cross roads.  While I do not deem what I have going on right now to be a "pain flare," at the same time things are pretty painful (I did have a couple flare/drug days last week but I'm not there yet.)  Here is my problem: there aren't many options left now.  I can go onto a rotating NSAID schedule with the draw back being every three months I would have to be off pain medications completely for 2-3 days AND take more of lower dose NSAIDs to get the same effect.  Not quite the fantastic thing of my dreams there.  

How can I tell when I gain tolerance?  Mostly by how my nights are.  When it is time for me to just shut down, relax and sleep... I simply cannot.  Day time it is easy to distract my mind with other things, move about, talk a lot, draw, and mentally keep myself off the topic that wants to invade my mind.  In order to sleep one must first have a mind that is of a quiet state.  Mine pretty instantly gets ran over with "HEY YOU, GUESS WHAT, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HURT."  In all caps too.  I kid you not.  I literally want to rip my skeleton out of my body.  Walking may be a bit on the challenging side after the fact but I am sure it would be the least of my problems.  When I am not experiencing tolerance to my pain medications, the pain is not in all caps when it speaks.  

Why even both taking the Tylenol?  Tylenol is like a sugar pill to me.  I get a "rush" (in other words I feel something pain relief wise) for about a half hour.  At this point I will take any amount of time with more pain relief, even if it is only a little bit and for a half hour.  Admittedly that is desperation.... 

I don't believe I have shown my current pain trials too much in every day life.  It is unnecessary for me to do so.  All it does is make those surrounding me feel bad and sympathetic.  Not something I want.  I have admitted to being crankier than normal due to the fact I am only getting about three hours of sleep per night right now.  Plus the hormonal insanity I experienced today... I probably just seem like I am slightly loosing my mind.  Really isn't that far off from the truth either.  

What about narcotics, you do have REALLY good stuff?  Yes, I do have really good stuff.  Issue being I can't take much of it in a week's span.  Plus it knocks me flat on my ass for about twelve hours.  Narcotic pain relief can be highly addicting and my body does not take well to it at all.  It does a good job of getting me comfortable and completely in a different universe but once off of it... things are pretty miserable.  Plus this past week I screwed up little white pills and almost killed myself.  The walls were talking to me, I couldn't eat because it was too out of this world crazy for me and it really threw my system into fits.  Generally I only allow myself to take good stuff roughly twice a week, about all I can handle because I spend the next day recovering from the effects of it.  So groggy...  

I am genuinely concerned about what all this pain medication is doing to my body long term.  In 2009 I began daily doses of NSAID pain relief and have circulated through five different ones in three years (Celebrex is number 6).  Each one more powerful than the last and meant for people who are older than me who don't have to worry so much about 60 years from now what it will be like.  They will be dead!  I on the other hand... hope to be alive.  

I am in the process of exploring several avenues for my current pain management issues.  One of which I hope will bring me great relief without death.  Seeing as how I have exhausted all three levels of NSAID pain relief options (mild, moderate and strong) and being on full time narcotics is not my idea of a tea party... time for a cure!  

May the spoons be with you :)       

1 comment:

  1. This is not a tea party, for sure. Ug. I UG for you, I UG near you, and I UG for you in my heart. Have your docs every sent you to a pain clinic to try anything like bio-feedback etc.? Or acupuncture? Just wondered. I know the deal with pain killers and NSAIDS etc...we had to ride the roller-coaster of them with Paul for too many years...and finding a balance that works is frankly--impossible, as far as I can see. Thank you for sharing your journey.
    Spoon blessings to you, kjw

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